


A Bit Weird...

by animatedhowell



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Dan Howell - Fandom, Dan/Phil, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Phil Lester - Fandom, danisnotonfire/amazingphil - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Drabble, F/M, M/M, Other, Reflection, Self-Reflection, closeted Dan, mtf Dan, sad thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-31 07:14:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8569159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animatedhowell/pseuds/animatedhowell
Summary: It was a short, little clip out of the fourteen-and-a-half minute Youtube video; barely lasting three seconds, yet whenever Dan reached that point in a Day in the Life of Phil and Dan, the 2012 one that is, he found himself shutting it off, unable to watch any further. The small quip between the pair seemed like friendly banter, not harboring any meaning, and it really shouldn’t have, but to Dan, those two sentences played in his mind over and over.*                    *                    *this is my first ever published fic/drabble...please enjoy





	

_“Sometimes I wish I was a girl…”_

_“That’s a bit weird, Dan.”_

 

It was a short, little clip out of the fourteen-and-a-half minute Youtube video; barely lasting three seconds, yet whenever Dan reached that point in a Day in the Life of Phil and Dan, the 2012 one that is, he found himself shutting it off, unable to watch any further. The small quip between the pair seemed like friendly banter, not harboring any meaning, and it really shouldn’t have, but to Dan, those two sentences played in his mind over and over.

Of course, the way Dan had even brought forth the topic in the video was very nonchalant, so of course thats the way Phil would read into it, if at all. The sequined dress had caught his eye and he was just commenting on the texture or the pattern, right? No. 

That might have been the case had Dan not been having these intrusive thoughts regularly for as long as he could remember. He was always the dramatic little boy. Acting in plays, singing spice girls and barbie songs, but that’s all: a dramatic little **BOY**. Dan had begun to hide these traits at the young age of 10. It was not cool for **boys** to dress up, or sing along to catchy pop anthems. He stuffed it down, and went along with what everyone else was doing…until he met Phil.

Phil was accepting. Phil was different himself. And Dan loved Phil, despite Phil being unique, so couldn’t Dan love himself, too? On that day, though, Dan learned that Phil could never truly love him for who he was.

 

_“That’s a bit weird, Dan.”_

 

Dan felt the tears begin to well up in his eyes. It was **four years ago**. Why couldn’t he just let it go. It was a joke. He didn’t wish he was a girl. Not even sometimes. Fuck, even looking back on the video, the dress was ugly, why did he even have to bring that up? He was so stupid…then and now.

The Phandom often theorized that the ‘drought’, for lack of a better term, in 2012 was due to the V-Day video. That the un-permitted release of that video caused some strain in Dan and Phil’s relationship, and while that wasn’t ENTIRELY wrong, the ever-growing gap between Dan and Phil that year was actually caused by something so small, so insignificant. Not even Phil knew that it was because of this short clip, Dan just told him it was the V-Day video to get him off his back. 

“Dan! Breakfast is ready!” Phil’s voice echoed faintly down the hall.

Dan closed his laptop, and climbed out of bed, sauntering over to his wardrobe to grab a jumper. He opened the door and grabbed a random one, not paying much attention to which one it was. He was closing the wardrobe door when something shimmered. He barely saw it, only catching a small glimpse from the corner of his eye, as he did every morning. Phil would never know, but sitting, crumpled up on the floor of his wardrobe, stuffed way in to the back corner, was the sequined dress. Dan had gone back out to buy it a few days after the first DITL video. He’s never tried it on. He hadn’t even moved it from its sloppy position on the floor since his last major breakdown in 2014, yet he kept it there as a reminder, and for the hope that one day he would move past the “ _That’s a bit weird…”_ ’s and tell Phil that he didn’t wish he was a girl, but rather, she **is** a girl.


End file.
